Merry-go-round

My mind says one thing
My heart another
Surely one of them
Is capable
Of whipping this old dog
Damn these depths
These habits, these callings
To melancholy

Fuck off, I hate you,
No wait please stay
Scratchy old blanket, heavy
With the stink of screams
That shouldn’t be heard

Dear Angels

th (8)Something a little different today. Do you believe in angels? I do. For many years I have had conversations with and prayed to angels. Last night there was a random post on my Facebook feed from Dr Joe Vitale, it read:

Jobless angels? Your angels feel unemployed. They just told me you don’t ask for much. They have little to do and lounge around waiting for you to speak your mind. Well? What do you want? They’re listening. (And reading this over your shoulder).”

It reminded me that I have neglected this support system I get so much comfort from. This is a really rough time for me at the moment and I could do with some comfort. When I meditate with or pray to angels, it feels like they are wrapping their wings around me, it is warm and safe and connecting. I don’t feel like I am alone in this world that can oftentimes feel cold and lonely.

Today, I am asking for the angels help. Dear Angels, please help me to remember I am not alone. Help me to remember that I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me, people who believe in me and trust that I will do right by me. Please help me remember I am the person they know me to be. Angels, I especially need your help with tomorrows event. For all the reasons you know and for all the people I love, it is vitally important to me that the events of tomorrow unfold in my favor and this episode of my life can be put behind me forever. Please help me to feel your presence in that room tomorrow. I sent my prayer out to the universe re my desired outcome months ago and am comforted by my faith that the universe has conspired to make that happen.

Angels, please help improve my relationship. The strain of my illness but mostly the stress of this situation is taking its toll. We are both stubborn and sensitive and forgetting to take care of each other. Our ego’s have got in the way of us standing together. Help me to be more accepting and admiring of what he does for me, us and our family. He is the love of my life and it is about time we just got on with that and all that brings to our lives.

Thank you for helping me remember all the things I have to be grateful for. My wonderful man, beautiful home and environment I live in, all those ratbag kids that drive me crazy at times, my beautiful friends, my funny little dog. For all the amazing opportunities I have, my imagination and desire to share that. Thank you for my zaniness, my insight, my willingness to do better, my faith and trust, my ability to forgive. Thank you for you.

With all my love and gratitude
Me

Faith has always been important to me. I talk to God, though we do disagree on a few things lol, I speak with Angels, I believe in Eastern philosophies and I reckon there are fairies at the bottom of my garden. Faith gives me something to focus on, other that myself, when I am feeling afraid, lonely, lost, confused and generally discombobulated. It gives me a chance to share my joy, my dreams, my hope and my wins. My faith is the warm loving family I have always craved and missed, it makes me feel like anything is possible, that I am not restricted by my circumstances or view of myself.

I hope your faith takes as good a care of you as mine does me ❤

The Blazing World

Release.

And I was like “whoa” and he was like “whoa” and the sevenheaded beast was like “blergh”.

Barbara Ehrenreich is a trained scientist and a hardcore atheist historical materialist. And, like me, comes from a socialist tradition. She has written one of the best, most no-nonsense pieces on having cancer I’ve read, and she has taken part in the shredding of some of the most persistent irrational myths in modern American life: the “power” of positive thinking and the possibility of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when the game is rigged against you.

So imagine my surprise when I read a piece by her in The New York Times on her mystical experiences in childhood and adolescence.

Something happened when I was 17 that shook my safely rationalist worldview and left me with a lifelong puzzle. Years later, I learned that this sort of event is…

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8 Great Literary, Book Nerd, and Storytelling Podcasts

Andrea Reads America

I am a huge fan of the podcast medium. I listen while I clean, while I walk, while I cook, while I dress after my shower. I do not subscribe to print periodicals that run book reviews, I am not a librarian, and I no longer work in a book store, but I am a reader who is interested in what’s going on in the book world, in reading culture, and who loves a well-told story. With limited time to consume print media, but with ample time to listen, I have become an avid fan of podcasts, and my hungry mind devours the bookish and storytelling podcasts below. These shows provide the literary fix I need as a word nerd. I plan special walks or add extra chores to my list when any of these drop new episodes. I hope you enjoy them, too.

The New Yorker Fiction Podcast icon on iTunesThe New…

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Support…… huh?

Image

Okay people, I need your help please.  Some of what I am about to say is classic BPD thinking, but some of it is ‘ordinary’ too.  I want to talk about support persons.  In particular the ones that ask you to trust them enough to let them be there for you. 

 

Let us suppose we met this person.  And this person adored you with every fibre of their being.  You warned this person that you are not always what you seem, in fact you are often a handful.  An unattractive, illogical, hysterical handful.  Wanting what they want, of course they lay claim to the fact that nothing is too much for them and anyway there is nothing you both can’t work out together.  Being the mid-life kind of BPD’er you take what they say with a grain of salt and continue on doing things your own way.

 

As time passes you figure, what the hell and you start to expose this person to some of those handful type behavior’s you warned them about.  Oh look, surprise surprise……. they can’t handle it.  And you spend the next few days putting them back on an even keel, delaying your melt down til they have returned to work or finding little spaces where you can let bits of it out in private.  All of which makes you feel incredibly lonely.  And annoyed.  I have the right to expect support when I need it, without it creating a head f*&k when it happens.  Okay, change that annoyed to angry, I am alright with angry.

 

Beware, classic BPD behavior likely to occur here.  As in ‘well he clearly can’t handle it, I will never give him the chance again’.  Which I suspect is somewhat unfair.  And unconducive to a healthy relationship, which apparently I want, so best I behave accordingly.  Adding to the mix is his own unacknowledged therefore unmanaged behaviors, but we won’t go there, that’s a whole discussion of it’s own.  All I can control and manage is me and my behaviors.  So, people, ideas?

 

I am keen to hear how others have gone about making it possible for their significant other to support them and how they supported their significant other during that introduction phase.  Did it take a while for them to make their peace with it?  Were they prone to take on too much responsibility for your behaviors?  What worked and what didn’t?  I am tired of giving up on people just because their actions don’t match the story I have made up in my head, so this time I am not going to give up when it gets all too hard.  🙂