You come to me at night in my dreams, did you know that? And when you do, you share your pain with me. I am there as some of life’s things feel like sandpaper on your soul. Nothing I see is a surprise to me, but I do wish you didn’t have to go through this.
Everything you are feeling and thinking is okay. The same way that it is okay for someone with diabetes to have a hypo, or someone with migraines to need to sleep for days, or someone with Alzhiemers to forget your name.
You come from a gene pool of highly anxious people, on both sides of your family. It is not your fault and you are not weak or stupid because of it. Good news is, each generation has been breaking through it earlier and earlier. By my calculations you are nearly there. Bet it doesn’t feel like it huh? One of the best things about being human, is our ability to reinvent ourselves, give ourselves a clean slate. Time helps us do that. And knowledge. Knowledge about our condition, the human psyche, different ways of thinking.
I can’t take this away for you, but I can love you, warts and all, just the way you are. I can accept you, warts and all, just the way you are. I know that when I tell you how amazing you are, it is suffocating. That it feels like a big, black fog is going to drown you. Because it challenges everything you believe about yourself, especially when you just feel oily and icky and gross. And that challenge is confronting and overwhelming and too big to deal with.
Thoughts are not facts. Just because you believe something or think something, it doesn’t mean it is true. Heck, we would still be living on a flat planet if beliefs were facts. Every now and then in life, we are lucky enough to get a flash of how worthy and perfect we are. My prayer for you every day is that today is one of the days that happens for you.
I have not always done right by you. My sole shame in life. My best I had to give in that minute was not always in your best interest. There are not enough sorry’s in the world to express my regret over that. I can rationalize and make sense of it to myself and you all I like, but often what we know intellectually and what we know emotionally are worlds apart. That space in between is a mine field of hurt, anger, pain, loathing, fear and shame. And so darn exhausting and murky, til it feels like there are not enough hours in a lifetime to cry all those many thousands of tears that fill your chest up so full you can’t breathe.
This isn’t all there is for you. It is but one part of a very complex, often changing and rewarding journey. It is but one very small part of who you are. The same way your favorite band or opinion on politics is but one very small part of who you are. Think of all the ‘stuff’ you didn’t know 5, 10, 15 years ago and how you know it now. Bit smart aren’t ya!
The world needs you in it. It needs your kindness, your generosity, your social conscience, your laughter, your friendship. It needs you to do the things you are passionate about, to raise more who are just like you, your empathy and ability to accept people as they are.
I have faith in you.