Okay people, I need your help please. Some of what I am about to say is classic BPD thinking, but some of it is ‘ordinary’ too. I want to talk about support persons. In particular the ones that ask you to trust them enough to let them be there for you.
Let us suppose we met this person. And this person adored you with every fibre of their being. You warned this person that you are not always what you seem, in fact you are often a handful. An unattractive, illogical, hysterical handful. Wanting what they want, of course they lay claim to the fact that nothing is too much for them and anyway there is nothing you both can’t work out together. Being the mid-life kind of BPD’er you take what they say with a grain of salt and continue on doing things your own way.
As time passes you figure, what the hell and you start to expose this person to some of those handful type behavior’s you warned them about. Oh look, surprise surprise……. they can’t handle it. And you spend the next few days putting them back on an even keel, delaying your melt down til they have returned to work or finding little spaces where you can let bits of it out in private. All of which makes you feel incredibly lonely. And annoyed. I have the right to expect support when I need it, without it creating a head f*&k when it happens. Okay, change that annoyed to angry, I am alright with angry.
Beware, classic BPD behavior likely to occur here. As in ‘well he clearly can’t handle it, I will never give him the chance again’. Which I suspect is somewhat unfair. And unconducive to a healthy relationship, which apparently I want, so best I behave accordingly. Adding to the mix is his own unacknowledged therefore unmanaged behaviors, but we won’t go there, that’s a whole discussion of it’s own. All I can control and manage is me and my behaviors. So, people, ideas?
I am keen to hear how others have gone about making it possible for their significant other to support them and how they supported their significant other during that introduction phase. Did it take a while for them to make their peace with it? Were they prone to take on too much responsibility for your behaviors? What worked and what didn’t? I am tired of giving up on people just because their actions don’t match the story I have made up in my head, so this time I am not going to give up when it gets all too hard. 🙂