What do I really want to say. I am feeling all discombobulated of late. I could blame the moon, the change of season, the end of daylight saving, but I really am not clear on why I am feeling this way.
Lots of little things are really getting under my skin at the moment. And I read, a lot, about all sorts of stuff. The power of positive thinking, DBT stuff, gratitude, motivation and so on and so on. I meditate, I exercise, I eat well, I journal, I do all the ‘right’ things. And yet, here I sit, past midnight, with much to be grateful for, much to look forward to and I feel like crap. Again.
The kids have been on school holidays the last week and a half, home with me while their parents work. I don’t know about you guys, but 16+ hours a day listening to that damnable noise from the X-Box is enough to drive anyone totally nuts. So nuts in fact that I fantasise about murdering the blasted thing. Oh the sweet satisfaction of seeing it go up in smoke as I plunge the kitchen knife straight into it. And then the sound of silence that would fill the house. Heaven on a stick.
I can’t tell them to turn it off you see, they are not my kids. I have little or no authority over the situation. I work from home, so it is assumed that it is fine to leave them with me day after day. Should I dare ever to voice my opinion that it is not the best investment of their time to be glued to one device or another then their father is quick to shut me down. He has a hair trigger response to any real or imagined criticism of his boys and the way he does things. And they have all lived here for many years, it has been their home, first as a family then as they entered the single dad and sons phase. I however am just the girlfriend. Handy for a homework question or as a story listener, but an interloper nonetheless.
No doubt there would exclamations of horror should they realise I feel this way, but history suggests not much action to change that. I grew up in the outback, and I have BPD. Both of those things mean I value silence. Really value silence. If I don’t get a certain amount of peace per week, then the wheels begin to fall off. The wheels are falling off. Sure, I put some of my coping strategies to work and take an hour or so out in the sanctuary of our bedroom when I need a breather, but that acts as a trigger for my partner. Which sets off a whole other set of behaviours that need to be dealt with. Oh joy.
A few weeks ago I had my portion of the business stolen from me by my best friend and business partner. While I have since gone on with my own enterprise, it still raises a lot of feelings that need to be addressed and dealt with. Nothing like betrayal from your bestie to set the tone for your week. I won’t go into detail here as she is having trouble letting go of the relationship and cyber stalking me.
As you may recall, I am also in the middle of a Workcover claim for bullying toward me from a manager in my workplace. Again, much cyber stalking going on so won’t go into detail. Such popularity, will it go to my head? Lol. Suffice to say that I have spent many hours with my doctor and psychologist in recent months and have been revisiting my coping skills.
As a BPD’er, naturally I am taking more than my fair share of responsibility for these situations. Martyrdom is virtuous right! And here I was, slightly smug, thinking I was doing okay. Thinking the ‘right’ thoughts, taking the ‘right’ actions, building my level of self worth. Yet, when I defend myself against unfair action toward me, everything seems to go pear shaped. So how much am I learning then? If I truly believe I am worth something, then why do I allow for situations that disprove that theory? I am the common denominator in all these, and many other equally ugly outcomes previously, so by my reckoning I must be the problem.
How dense must I be to not find the solution to this? It is little wonder then that many hours have been spent questioning the value of continuing. Why aim for my picture of success and happiness if I am just going to continue getting it wrong. Time has proven I am blessed with much ambiguity, so I am not unsafe at all. Just totally fed up.